


Nostalgia

by Yamiga



Series: Nostalgia [2]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Multi-Personality Kaneki, Regret, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-01
Updated: 2014-10-01
Packaged: 2018-02-19 12:20:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2388041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yamiga/pseuds/Yamiga
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After months of little contact, Kaneki hears of Hide's unexpected suicide. With little to grasp, the half ghoul learns just how much his life has changed without the blond's presence.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nostalgia

**Author's Note:**

> If you haven't read the story “Shooting Stars”, then this might be confusing.

 

Kaneki gazes at the platinum television with a cup of coffee rattling in his hand. The thick bold headline zooms past the screen numerous times before it actually stops for the journalist to make her pre-written comments.

 

“Kamii University Student: Nagachika Hideyoshi found dead after apparent suicide. Sources say he jumped from his apartment room balcony and landed on another resident's car. Despite the impact, his body still remained in tact.” _His body still remained in tact._ Kaneki thinks, and by now his cup has crashed to the ground. The porcelain shards shatter and sparkle in the dim lamp light from over head. 

 

The news continues on, and pictures of Hide slide across the screen. There are interviews from crying students, some of Hide's friends. Kaneki feels an unbearable amount of pain ooze through his chest. He wishes very badly to be there, standing in front of the camera, testifying how Hide was “ a good student “, or how “this was completely unexpected”. Watching the way the other students speak about him makes Kaneki angry.

 

No one knew Hide as well as he did. These students are nothing more than pretenders. They are trying to be a part of something that they have no right to in the first place. Hide, alive or dead is his, always his. His best friend, his puzzle piece.

 

_**So why** .  _ A voice in Kaneki's head asks.  _**Why did he die, if you knew him so well?** _

 

Kaneki thinks as he continues to gaze at the television. By now, the headline has changed, and the news woman talks about a new fashion trend.

 

 

_**You told him to stay away. You chose the life of a ghoul.** _

 

_I didn't know._ Kaneki thinks.  _I didn't know he was hurting inside._

 

He wonders if his neglect had anything to do with it. Had his absence in Hide's life truly determined the blond's choice of suicide? He thinks that is impossible, given Hide's joyous personality and his positive outlook on any and everything. Then again, he remembers he wasn't there, he had even made it clear that the two needed to stop seeing each other.

 

In his train of thought, the back door opens and through the threshold, Touka enters. She seems to notice the broken cup before she does Kaneki.

 

“Idiot,” She states. “Clean this up. Why are you so clumsy?” She pauses and looks ahead at the television. “The same old crap.” She mumbles before leaving the room.

 

OoOoOoOoOo

For the first time in months, Kaneki finds himself trailing the campus of Kamii University. With a hoodie concealing his identity, he walks freely amongst the flock of awe stricken students. Like he expects, the vast majority stands quietly, in a a pose of reverence, gazing at a wall. There is a picture and a small display erected. Hide's beaming face stands brightly with candles, flowers and other things surrounding it. Some students cry, while others talk about the joy Hide brought into the class room.

 

“He would have made a great lawyer.” A teacher says quietly. “What a shame he had to go.”

 

“First it was his best friend, now it's him. Poor guy was probably depressed.”

 

Kaneki, from his space finds it hard to breathe. Despite the numerous body's surrounding, he feels awfully alone and detached. He stares a head at the only thing that seems to bring a sense of color to the sea of black and grey. That is of course, Hide's picture.

 

_Did you miss me?_ He thinks, taking a few steps forward.  _Was it my fault this happened to you? You knew I was a ghoul, you accepted me, but I couldn't accept you._ He pushes past what he supposes are people. They move out of his way and grant him some form of access so by now, he stands in front of the large picture. 

 

He sees the smile, that spiky hair and those furrowed eyebrows. He can practically hear Hide's optimistic laughter. 

 

“ _Kaneki, let's go out eating burgers. You're paying this time, I'm broke.”_ The wind carries Hide's cheerful voice and Kaneki turns around. He only meets the emotionless expression of someone behind him, so he turns back towards the picture. 

 

He waits to hear the wind carry Hide's laughter, or even to see those bright brown eyes blink. But strangely, he is only faced with the solid image of a picture captured on a piece of cardboard paper.

 

It hits him suddenly, that this is not Hide. 

 

Hide is not in front of him. Hide is dead.

 

Hideyoshi Nagachika, is dead.

 

His best friend, since child hood is dead. He will not text him, nor will he try to see if things are alright. There will be no jokes, or rambling of any sort.

 

Hide is gone.

 

Kaneki feels the tears before he is aware of them. They stream down his cheeks like little rivers, dripping off the surface of a porcelain cliff.

 

For the first time in months, Kaneki cries.

 

People around him stop and stare whispering words of comfort and solace. “It's okay...” “Don't worry...” 

 

_Shut up..._ Kaneki wants to scream.  _Stop pretending you know how I feel._

 

 

And before he knows it, the crowd begins to disperse. The bell over head rings and students clear the area, as if nothing ever happened. Some laugh, some talk about what they'll eat for lunch. Kaneki just stands there, unaware of time, which suddenly seems to stop.

 

His mind begins to race, and inevitably, trace back to happier times. Times when he was there for Hide, times when they didn't have to be a part. His youthful blond smiles at him during their daily endeavors and speaks of pointless dreams of the future.

 

Kaneki, finds himself laughing, humorlessly, but at the same time, gleefully.

 

_Hide's note **dead**! _ He tells himself.  _He's alive, I'll just go to his dorm and apologize for everything._

 

He laughs, and wipes the free tears from his face. People around stop, not sure whether to comfort him or be afraid.

OoOoOoOoO

 

Hide's apartment is the same as he had left it. Clean for the most part, there are little signs and quirks that let Kaneki know that this is for sure, Hide's apartment. A little piece of the blond is left in every corner.

 

The ghoul walks through the rooms and calls out for his blond friend. He stops in the bed room, looks through the sheets and finds Hide's phone hidden underneath the pillow. He attempts to turn it on but sees that it lacks battery. Strolling over to the wall, he plugs the cellular device up and continues his search.

 

The refrigerator seems untouched as well as many other things. So Kaneki, still forcing an oblivious smile, makes way to the balcony door where he opens it and steps through the threshold and on to the patio balcony.

 

He takes a deep breath of Tokyo's air and looks ahead as far as Hide's complex will let him. He sees the sky touching the tall buildings in the distance, and hears the humming of car motors and their horns. Eventually, he beckons himself to look down towards the ground.

 

There is a red car with a large dent in it. Yellow police tape creates a barrier around the perimeter it so that no one can enter. From where he stands, Kaneki swallows and bites back what he supposes is a sob.

 

_Did he jump...from...from..._

 

Tears begin to drip and fall on the rail. Kaneki finds himself hunched over, gripping the rail and by now, he doesn't even realize how loud he's screaming,

 

OoOoOoOoOoOo

 

“Where were you, ass hole?” Touka peeks her head inside the back on Anteiku's with a tray in her hand. “I'm surprised you come, but at least say something.”

 

Kaneki doesn't say anything, which prompts her to enter. “Hey...” She nudges his shoulder as he sits on the sofa, staring at a blank television. “Are you okay Kaneki?”

 

“Hide died.” He speaks. “He killed himself.”

 

“Hn.” Touka spits. “One less human to deal with.”

 

_**Don't let her insult Hide like that.** _ A voice in his head coos. **_Remember, she told you to stay away from him! It's her fault he's dead._ **

 

“He was my friend.” Kaneki stands and replies. “Why do you mean one 'less human'.”

 

“He would've exposed you.”

 

_**Don't let her get away. Kill her.** _

 

He waits and listens in silence as her footsteps vanish and the door behind her closes.

 

_I can't kill Touka._ Kaneki thinks.  _She's my friend._

 

_**Someone must pay.** _ The voice whispers.  **_She is the reason Hide suffered._ **

 

Kaneki, still holding a heavy heart, tries his best to silence the voices.

OoOoOoOoOoO

 

“He was a nice fuck, but that's about it.”

 

A jock calls to his buddies as they walk through the dorm room. “He was like most blond's. Clueless and desperate. Such a shame he's dead.”

 

The group, as they leave the dorm building that night, is completely unaware of Kaneki's stalking presence. Originally, he came to Hide's dorm to find answers. This only resulted in him finding someone whom he could seek vengeance upon.

 

So in the dark of the night, when the jock is finally alone, walking across campus, Kaneki trails behind him.

 

The jock, whom has noticed an ominous presence turns to see who his stalker is. Before he can say a word, Kaneki's kagune impales his mundane flesh, elevating him feet off of the ground. Blood falls to the converete in great amounts, staining the stone dark red.

 

_**Avenge Hide...** _ The voice echoes. 

 

_ I am.  _ Kaneki thinks as the body falls to the ground.  _ I am. _

_ OoOoOoOoOo _

 

More deaths follow that as Kaneki finds those who have wronged Hide.

 

By now, he is quite certain he's lost himself but he is too far gone to care. Hide was his only reason for...reason. He only cared for Hide yet in life, he was oblivious to his friends needs.

 

As Kaneki absorbs the thick, irony blood on his tongue, he feels like he has grown ever closer to Hide. He can practically see the blond standing there.

 

Smiling at him? No.

 

Hide frowns, his eyes are no longer filled with life, but death.

 

“Why are you doing this?” He asks, as Kaneki consumes yet another hand from a dead student. “This isn't you bro.”

 

Kaneki just shrugs. “It tastes good.” He, or a voice in his head manages. “I'm doing it for you anyway.”

 

Kaneki isn't sure if these strange instances are dreams or visions.

OoOoOoOoOoO

 

Weeks after, Kaneki finds himself weak and strangely broken.

 

Unfortunately for him, Tsukiyama somehow senses the fracture within Kaneki injured soul and quickly makes way to “fill” that empty void. Little does he know how impaired the half ghoul is. Reason, after Hide's death seems nothing but a fickle thing to Kaneki, and Tsukiyama is not subjected to it.

 

A kiss, is all he is granted before Kaneki pierces straight through his heart. With a smile that can chill even the devil, the one eyed ghoul hovers above him before delivering the final blow.

 

Whether or not Tsukiyama is dead Kaneki doesn't know, and he doesn't care.

 

It's laughable, that Tsukiyama for a second thought that he could reach the real Kaneki. 

 

The only person that could ever dream of reaching the real Kaneki was Hide.

 

But he is gone, and Kaneki must remind himself of that. He must refuse to let anyone in.

 

So one by one, the 'ghouls', whom he dared called 'friends', fall under his impaired wrath. Touka, Hinami, Yomo, Uta...eventually even the manager. Though he doesn't kill any of them, he injures them, leaving a bit of hate in his wake. He wants them to know that he is in pain, that because of them, he yearns for what he cannot have.

 

He yearns for the normality he only felt when in Hide's presence.

OoOoOoOoOoO

 

“Yo, bastard-Kaneki.” A voice calls from the distance.

 

Kaneki, who presently sits on a water tower turns around. There walking towards him, is the oranged hair, half awake Nishiki. He has a bag with him.

 

“What do you want?” Kaneki asks as the older ghoul sits near him.

 

“To talk.”

 

“About what? Anteiku?”

 

“Nah, they can fuck themselves.” He stretches. “I'm here to talk about you, or well...talkin' about Hide I guess. Look, I know he killed himself.”

 

Kaneki remains silent and watches the sun set behind a heavily wooded area.

 

“Listen. If Kimi killed herself, let alone died, I'd react like you, even worse.” He nudges Kaneki's shoulder. “Other ghouls don't understand, what we feel. They just choose to seclude themselves which is dumb. You loved Hide, I love Kimi. Not all humans are bad, just like not all ghouls are bad.” Nishiki stands and stretches. “I think I'm getting too sentimental.”

 

Awe-struck, the half ghoul stands. “Where...where are you going?”

 

“Kimi and I are getting out of Tokyo.”

 

“You're leaving?”

 

“Yeah, Anteiku, laws...CCG, can't take it. This sunset makes me a little nostalgic...it makes me hate Tokyo even more.” He chuckles. 

 

Kaneki wants to say something, but in a blink of an eye, Nishiki is gone.

OoOoOoOoOo

 

One last time, Kaneki strolls through Hide's apartment.

 

He feels a little stupid when he enters the bed room and sees that he neglected to check on Hide's phone after he plugged it up all those weeks ago. So nearing it, he bends over, picks it up and realizes that it's shut itself off.

 

He eventually turns it back on, waits for it to synch and immediately starts to scroll through the messages. The majority, from the past few months are made out to him. Swallowing back guilt, Kaneki opens and reads the last one. It was written on the day Hide committed suicide.

 

“ _Hey Kaneki..._

_ I don't really know where to start after our last 'hang out', I guess you can call it that...erm.... _

_ I well...I just want to apologize I guess. It's crazy but in a way, I feel like this is all my fault. So I just want to say sorry Kaneki! _

 

_ Things have been tough between the two of us but you're still my best friend. And no matter what you say, I know I'm still yours. _

 

_ See you soon. _

 

_ PS: When are you coming back to school?” _

 

By this time, the phone had hit the ground and Kaneki finds himself on his knees. Hands pulling out clumps of his white hair, and tears strolling down his cheeks, the half ghoul wants nothing more than to die.

 

He can see Hide, sitting on his bed with a forced smile, typing out that final text message moments before he decided to end it all. That optimism doesn't vanish until Hide's frail human body shatters on the ground yet still, the feeling of nostalgia drowns Kaneki, as the blond's presence is still very much alive even in death. 

 

He hears Hide.

He sees Hide.

He breathes Hide.

 

But it isn't Hide.

 

The blond standing there, smiling with glee is just a nostalgic apparition. A recount of the happy times the two had together.

 

Hide is gone.

 

 

With this in mind, Kaneki can't stop his pathetic screaming. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed it. I do not own Tokyo Ghoul.


End file.
